Great Expectations

There's a girl that works in the same building as me, has done since just a few days less than I have, so nearly six years. For these six years, she has been in love with me. Now, I know that's a little presumptuous, I'm sure it's not been exactly that time, nor has it been every day, she's been in at least one serious, house-sharing relationship in that time.

But every couple of months in the last two years, we've clashed over our respective feelings. She has far too many of these feelings for me and I don't really have any for her. However, as someone who doesn't normally get these kinds of feelings from anyone, I have in the past succumbed in small ways to her advances, and this tends to make things worse. Much, much worse.

I can't blame her... well, maybe I can. Maybe I do. But she can't really help how she feels, despite the fact that I just can't return those feelings. And why can't I? Why can't I just shrug and think, if it's there, don't sniff at it. Because I just can't. Because deep down and higher up, I'm just not that interested in her. She kinda scares me, to be honest.

In the most recent months (right when I really, really didn't need it), this has been getting very intense. I made a mistake and got too close and I've been punished for it. A long time ago I was so afraid of her that I considered telling my boss that she was sexually harassing me at work, which would have been pretty accurate back then. Now it's, oddly, relationship drama, despite the fact that we don't have a relationship.

So what do I do?

I can't ignore her because she works in the same building as me. I can't just not talk to her because she won't let me. She chips and chips and doesn't let go with all her little message of concern and her essay length emails of why we should be together. I just can't take it anymore. She has a lot of expectations from me and I just can't live up to any of them, mainly beacuse I don't want to live up to any of them.

You wanna know why?

She didn't taste right.

THE DESCENDANTS.

I really got the feeling that George Clooney was trying to recapture the success of Up In The Air and that Alexander Payne was trying to recapture the success of Sideways, and that together they would try to make it all work together and come up with something new and yet reassuringly familiar.

It didn't work. As far as I was concerned this wasn't the career making performace of Clooney's career, as several other critics have been saying. That was, quite frankly, Up In The Air. It wasn't the crowning jewel in Payne's career. That was, quite frankly, Sideways. So it didn't work.

It wasn't bad, it was an okay story, but the pace of it was so slow, relaxed and typically Hawaiian that I don't think it actually went anywhere. The issues it tried to raise weren't all that life altering, no matter how serious the nature of the story. All in all, this wasn't a great movie.

Next time: J. Edgar.

Reverting To Previous Behaviour

You know, I had thought recently that it might have been possible for me to change. To become a slightly different person, whether that would be a better person, I don't know, but it would have been different and that was kind of exciting in its own right. I thought that I might have been able to be in a relationship and actually see what it is people do this thing for.

Turns out, that's not for me. Do I blame myself? Yeah, kinda. Do I blame her? That's the bigger question. I sent a text message that I know I should not have back in August, made a joke about lubricant and that was that. I had a girlfriend. We were happy together. We bitched and moaned and got on each other's nerves from time to time, but I at least thought I was happy for this.

Then on January 2nd she said that we should be 'just friends', because our goals are too different. And I accepted that at the time and thought 'well... maybe that could work as well.' But you know what? I always had a thought that when women say 'let's be friends' after a relationship has ended, they're forgetting what gender it is they are dealing with here.

Men aren't like that.

Once you're gone, that's it, you're gone. Staying friends with an ex is basically inviting trouble, heart-ache and jealousy all at the same time. Take this weekend for example. I really wanted to come down and see her for her 30th birthday, it's only been six weeks since we broke up and I was still holding that torch, I'll admit. So I went down to Brighton to see Laura and Martin (which was great, but another blog post all together), and then me and Laura went over to Worthing for the ageing celebration.

Now, to discover that the ugly, uninteresting circus oaf that was so utterly dull to hang around with (as most magicians are, all they can really think about is how awesome they are) that she was last seen in the presence of is now her most recently acquired man-friend... this kinda stung. Sleeping in the room next to the pair of them in the aftermath of the party... that was something else entirely. I packed up and left before everyone woke up. Why did I do this? Why did I act like a jealous coward?

Because I am a jealous coward. And that's something I've got to live with. Something I don't have to live with? The woman I love shacking up with Captain Spaulding from House of 1,000 frickin' Corpses while still being 'friends' with her.

So I'm reverting to previous behaviour. I'm giving up on being that different person. I'm not that person, I'm the person I was before I met her. And that's all I have to say, because I never want to touch, see or talk to her again.

CHRONICLE

Hells. Frickin'. Yes. I've been waiting for a movie like this for a long time and, quite frankly, it's been worth the wait. Someone who truly understands what a super-hero movie can be without the capes, the spandex and the overblown sense of Truth, Justice and the American Way. This is just people who probably shouldn't have these powers, slowly figuring out who they really are.

I loved this movie, there were a few flaws, but I'm really not going to let them get in the way of it. Some of the characters weren't really all that fleshed out, nor were they brilliantly acted, but at the same time, the story itself was just so powerful, compelling and detailed that none of that matters. Genuinely the best use of telekenisis that you will ever see, ever.

Highly recommended, go see it. Really hope Max Landis gets to make some more, or something else, because this really shows that he grew up with all this stuff (as he did) and took away all the right lessons from it.

Next review: The Descendants

The Big Heart-Shaped Day

I'm pretty sure you know my feelings on Valentines Day. If not, go look up last year's entry and see what I said. Then remind me, because I can't be arsed to look for myself. But all that is kind of overshadowed by the main events of the day. There's no woman in my life, so I had business instead.

As I have bitched, whined and moaned about before, Myself, Tim and Kerry were trying to put a business plan and presentation together to present to the Corn Exchange management team and try to win ourselves a franchise. We had to do a business catering event showing off both our lunchtime and canape menu.

We put a lot of work into this. We put our hearts and souls into it, trying our very best to impress and show that we actually had something to offer. We discovered afterwards that of the six or seven business plans submitted (some of them from professional caterers), only two were given an interview, which was ourselves and the other group.

The group that got the offer in the end.

Turns out that our food didn't quite measure up to theirs, what with them being a great deal fancier than we were. We made baguettes, bagels, pigs in blankets and some strawberries on eggy bread to be a Valentines Day themed canape. They made spinach and ristretto pancake pizza things and salmon roulade and omlette rolls and... yeah, we didn't really stand a chance.

While I know that I can't quite be impartial about this, since I'm on the losing side of this little contest, I don't think that this was the best move for the Corn Exchange. I mean, Me and Tim have been running the cafe for them already, we know who we get and we know what they like. These new folk... well, they don't know that building like I know it. They simply can't.

So that's me out on my bike for a day job.

THE ARTIST.

Given that this review is actually written after the Awards... I really don't see what all the fuss was with this film. I mean, really? It was cute and all, but it didn't really have anything that made it all that memorable. I get kinda riled up by stuff like this, I appreciate that it wants to be art rather than entertainment, but that it also tries to entertain just to cover its bases, and then it gets lauded simply because of that.

Yes, it's in black and white, yes it's silent (for the most part). Does that matter? No, not really. It's cute, as I said, but it's just a romantic comedy that has a funny dog. It's a cool dog. Other than that, I simply can't appeciate it as anything more than a pointless gesture backwards. There's only one moment I truly loved, and that was John Goodman portraying the little dollar signs in his eyes for the ending sequence.

See it if you will, it's not as special as everyone thinks it is.

Next time: CHRONICLE

Fairness and Seriousness

How seriously do we take life? I just spent the last four and a half hours playing Lord of the Rings Risk, ending at around 5am, instead of having a massively required business meeting, with my work starting at 1:15 tomorrow. That doesn't even give me 8 hours sleep, let alone the chance to actually do some of that meeting in the morning. Why do we do this to ourselves? How serious can this attempt at setting up our own business be?

Do I even want to do it?

I mean, everyone wants me to, because it's exciting for them. It's not exciting for me. It's fucking terrifying for me. Everyone says that I must be excited, right? No, I'm not. I'm dreading it, I have no confidence and I'm seriously considering quitting before I've even got it started. I'm not the person for this. I'm not cut out for this. I'm not even sure I want it to go ahead, even for the other two guys in my group's sake.

Is that very fair of me?

Of course it isn't. But I'll do my best to stick it out, because as Moina keeps pointing out, there's no such thing as fair and nobody gets what they deserve.

Which is just somewhat depressing in itself, since I'm really rather down at the moment about the whole woman thing. I genuinely feel like she got me addicted and then took away my supply, and I can't seem to find any other supply nearby. Yes, that means that I simply don't know what to do after not having a girlfriend for a month, despite the fact I was single for seven years before we got together.

And I kinda resent that.

I want to go back to being that lazy student who didn't really take anything seriously, only needed to work 10 hours a week and spent my entire time playing games and watching films.

It's not fair that we just can't take life seriously all the time. It's not fair that we just can't be the people other people want us to be all of the time. It's just... not fair.

WAR HORSE.

Beautiful. Poignant. Loved it. Not sure how it'll do at the Oscars but who really cares.

Was it just me or did Devon circa-1913 really feel remeniscent of Hobbiton?

Next up: THE ARTIST

Mr. Holmes and Mr. Holmes

So yeah, there's a lot of Sherlock just floating about and now that I've reviewed both of the relevant entities, I thought I'd do some comparing. Why are we so fascinated with this one fictional character and his mythos? Why is there still such a prevelance for stories featuring him, even though they're far, far removed from the works of Arthur Conan Doyle? To be honest, I have no idea, really. But perhaps I can have a stab at it. I do like to think I know a thing or two about a thing or two.

For those who read my short-lived Televisual blog, I tried to think about crime fiction and why it intrigues us. It is basically seeing the darkness that is within all of us realised. Sherlock Holmes is, of course, the very definition of crime fiction, using a private 'consulting detective' to do the cases that the police just can't solve themselves. Because of his maverick genius and difficult to deal with manner, he is both respected and ignored by his collegues, with one notable exception.

Watson is Holmes' only real friend, and even then that friendship can be quite easily stretched. Watson is a very typical device as an audience surrogate, he is new to Sherlock's world so we can see everything quite neatly through his eyes, rather than the more confusing and jumbled world of Sherlock himelf. It's an enduring set of stories that haven't quite left the public interest, especially since they're now in the public domain and quite free to molest to our own purposes.

So, to compare the two versions of Sherlock I've just seen and talked about. Who does what better? Let's think...

Sherlock himself: The BBC
Dr. John Watson: The BBC
Irene Adler: The BBC
Professor Moriarty: Hollywood
Misplaced Grandeur: Hollywood
Fight Sequences: Hollywood
(Discombobulate)
Myecroft Holmes: The BBC
Use of Forensics: The BBC
Detective Lestrade: Hollywood
Unreal Cleverness:The BBC
Watson's Love Life: Hollywood

I mean, these are just my personal opinions, so I shall agree that many people wouldn't agree. I think the tally there puts the BBC ahead by one, which seems about right. Even though it's set modern day, I think the anarchoristic soul of the work is best represented by Moffat, Cumberbatch and Freeman, while Ritchie, Downy Jr. and Law are there for the big explosions, the stupid fun and the swish sword fighting that Hollywood is so very set up for. Moriarty's plot in the BBC version was stupendously awesome, but the actual part was nothing compared to the Hollywood version, despite that particular plot not being up to much.

It's kind of a good thing that we have both, really. I watched the last episode of the BBC version on January the 15th (my birthday), a mere few hours after leaving the cinema to see Game of Shadows, so I had the benefit of being able to look at them next to each other, as it were, and compare what I could. Be glad we have both. I'm not sure anyone will ever hit Sherlock Holmes spot on, and I'm not sure that anyone ever should. For something that hasn't left the public eye for so long, we should never stop changing him or moulding him, each time crying out that this one is the most faithful adaptation.

After all, he's the most portrayed character in screen history, he's bound to have been through a few facelifts.

INSIDE MEN

So yeah, despite the fact that I've just been rambling about one of the best shows the BBC has done in a long time, Inside Men is undoubtably one of the best shows the BBC has done in a long time. The whole thing, from start to finish, was a masterpiece of cunning, power, crime, violence, greed and self.

I don't think I've ever seen a more powerful piece of character transformation, or a more detailed and rigorous plot that seems so firmly entrenched in its own structure that the characters blend seemlessly into the whole as if they were just along for the ride in their own lives. Which they kind of were.

It centres around a Bristol based Counting House, a warehouse that spends its time counting money for banks, bookies and cash machines. It's employees are tempted every day, because every day they have to look at stacks of more money than they will ever earn in their lifetime. And so what does that temptation do?

To be honest, if I were Securicore or some company like that, with armoured vans and more CCTV than a prison, then I'd ban my staff from ever watching this show. It was dark, gritty, detailed and had all the right elements of a true masterpiece. I simply cannot rate this show highly enough. Buy it on DVD. Now. Right now.

Next up: WARHORSE

Aaaand We're Crazy

So yeah, you'd think that in the middle of moving house, my brother dropping out of university, complications in my rather unexistant love life and still trying to find time to catch up on sleep, that I'd pick a better time than to try and start my own business. But no, here I am, not thinking things through.

You see, I've been running the Corn Exchange cafe for about five months now, which includes the whirlwind of chaos that was Panto season. I never thought I was doing a particularly excellent job as supervisor, but everyone above me seemed happy enough with it. I was just getting on with my job, but then it changed.

I was told that I couldn't do the rota next time because it wasn't "what my boss wanted" when I showed her the end result. Pretty sure she gave me the job in the first place, pretty sure that if she'd wanted something in particular from it, she should tell me in the first place, so that I don't get it wrong.

So because of this, I decided that I was going to look into how to take on the cafe myself, since they were advertising for a franchise to run the place. Getting a franchise in would essentially put me out of my shiny new promotion and cut down my hours to about 10 a week. So I figure, why not do this for myself?

My team consists of me, my friend Kerry from Rios and Tim, who's been working on the cafe with me. So we've been putting together our business plan, discussing finances and figuring out what hours we can all do and what products we'd try to sell, what our menu would be... it's all so very grown up and responsible that I'm kind of unsure what I'm doing here, but it all seems like everyone thinks I'm good for the job... not least of which is my Dad. When we were moving into the flat, he said he would support the business financially with a several grand loan. That's actually the scariest part of it all, my Dad is willing to bankroll us. Jeez.

So yeah, crazy. Very crazy.

SHERLOCK (BBC)

Well, I don't think there's been a more keenly discussed BBC series in the last two years. With the rise of Steven Moffat into being the BBC's Golden Boy, Sherlock and Doctor Who are probably some of the most demanded TV in the UK. That and Misfits. But yes, Sherlock. Taking the classic stories of Conan Doyle and modernising them into 2012, making Watson's journal into his blog, making Sherlock's opium habit into nicotene patches, it's all just so slick and random, so fun and insane, that it works so brilliantly well.

So far, we've had 6 episodes on Sherlock, each of them is an hour and a half long, making each one a television movie in its own right. I mean, I was a bit off with the format to start with, then I watched the first episode last year and Holy Christ does any of that not matter. Not only does Benedict Cumberbatch simply dominate the screen, but the writing is tight, smart and leaves the viewer feeling deeply impressed and satisfied. Like, needing a cigarette afterwards satisfied.

At least that's what I thought for the first four hours and twenty minutes. Then, ten minutes from the end of the first season, 'Jim Moriarty' played by Andrew Scott. And it was downhill from there. I don't quite know what Moffat and Gatiss were playing at when they created this version of Professor Moriarty, but it can go fuck itself in the ear. I don't think I'd ever been more disappointed by in a TV show than that exact moment. It depresses and saddens me to think that they went with this irritating sap.

The second season that we've just had was amazing. We kept wet cloth over there to a minimum for the first two episodes. Scandal in Belgravia was smooth, sophisticated and brilliantly executed, Hounds of Baskerville was daring and weird, but it was probably the best you could do with that particular story. Then there was the Reichenbach Fall and the return of Moriarty. It was probably the best that Scott's Moriarty had ever been, and it did the series a favour when it came to the final confrontation.

In the end, this is a great show with one major drawback. Can I still love it? Yes. Can I still recommend it? Yes. But you didn't need me to tell you that. It's still worth watching, no matter what they do that's unconventional and off the wall.

Next up: Inside Men (more BBC)

Busy Frickin' Month

I'm moving house today. I'm considering starting my own business next week. I've just aged. I'm still trying to recover from the lack of sleep I endured over Panto season. I still despise Christmas. I'm single once again.

Kinda feels like I escaped from the frying pan of December (what with the constant working and little sleeping, everything else that I've moaned about before) and have stumbled and fallen into the open flame of January.

It just feels like all the pressures and strains that I wanted rid of at the end of last month haven't let me go, they just want to keep biting at me, keep me stressed and keep me sleepless. I'm not sure what I'm doing with myself.

I think I'm muddling along, but something in the back of my mind keeps telling me that I'm missing something, that I've forgotten something important but I just can't remember what it is. I want to not feel like this, but I can't help it.

Roll on sodding February.

SHERLOCK HOLMES:
A GAME OF SHADOWS.

If there's a poll out there for what stereotypical words can be tagged onto a movie title, I bet you 'Shadows' is in the top 5. Anyway, this was a slightly inferior follow-up to a highly entertaining first installment. If the first one was an 8 out of 10, this was a 7. Firstly, the relationship between Holmes and Watson that made the first film feel so fresh was lacking in this one, it felt forced and ingenuine, which was a great pity considering how much it made the first film.

Secondly, the action sequences were way over the top. They were overblown and dynamic in the first one, but in this they needed a serious turning down. If they'd just reigned themselves in a little bit more, then we'd have a decent film on our hands, but the fights were often jarring and difficult to follow. Thirdly, was Noomi Rapace actually necessary? The whole brother-plastic-surgery plot was sheer rubbish, did they actually need that final element just to justify her presence?

That being said, this film does do some things very well, namely it's two villains.

Paul Anderson is a little known TV Actor who said about nine words in this film, but he had a commanding presence as Colonel Sebastian Moran (I was impressed that the film even contained the character, to be honest) and served as an excellent opposite to Watson. The main hat goes off to, however, Jared Harris as Professor James Moriarty. I mean seriously, how long have I had to wait for someone like this to play the role, eh? Too long have I had to put up with mediocre portrayals of this man.

But no longer, Jared Harris was, and let me say this as clearly as possible:

AWE
SOME

as Moriarty. He suited the part down to a T and he played with the right amount of gusto.

This wasn't a perfect movie and it could have been better considering the first one that it didn't quite live up to, the whole story didn't really come together until the third act and the lead characters were off, but it's villians make up for it and the simplicity of Moriarty's scheme is, quite frankly, commending its audience for their patience and understanding. I'd still recommend it, but only if you were a fan of the previous one (which, incidently, you don't have to have seen to view this one).

Next time: SHERLOCK (the BBC version).