7:00am

So apparently the server that this blogsite functions out of is about 7 hours behind me, putting it somewhere in Arizona, probably. At least that's what my limited skills of deduction have led me to. So therefore if I want my blog post to appear dated on the correct day that I want it too (see again, my massive retentiveness), I have to wait for 7am, which is kind of midnight. Well, it is in Arizona at least.

But apparently I'm no longer satisfied with this blog. Not that I'm going to stop doing it or anything, but I think I'm actually finally arrogant enough to think my that blog deserves a spin-off. So today I shall be launching (or kicking out the door, at least) my second blog on this site, entitled 'Televisual'. It shall be discussing my views on my most favourite of mediums, that of Television. Have a look. If you want.

In other news, I'm spending copius amounts of time in Newbury pretty soon, I feel like something of a yo-yo. I'm still having trouble with my sleeping patterns, but that's nothing new. Am still tempted to record them. Perhaps that could be its own blog as well, eh? No, don't get carried away now!

Now I know I said that I was going to talk about Winter's Bone, but the thing is that I thought that it was going to count as one of my five films for March, but then at the last minute I got given the chance to see Biutiful, after I'd already fulfilled my quota, so I'm gonna go with that instead, seeing as how Biutiful was cinema and Winter's Bone was DVD, and this review largely deals with movies I see in the cinema (and the occasional live TV filming).

I'm sure I'll find some time to talk about Winter's Bone at some point, but for now, I keep to the schedule.

IRONCLAD.

Without a doubt, the MANLIEST film I've seen in quite some time, it's probably even MANLIER than 300, a film so MANLY that women went to see it and spontaineously grew testicles. Of course, the MANLIEST thing about this movie is none other than VLADIMIER 'Lo there do I see my father...' KULICH, whos is now the MANLIEST MAN to ever MAN. Not that James Purefoy, Brian Cox, Paul Giamatti, Jason Flemyng, Mackenzie Crook, Charles Dance, Derek Jacobi, Jamie Foreman, Daniel O'Meara, Guy Siner and Steffan Rhodri are anything less than overly MANLY, but they aren't quite at the heights of Vlad. I mean, who could be?

The story revolves around a disgraced Knight Templar (Purefoy) teaming up with an uppity Baron (Cox), as they defy the army of Danish mercenaries (led by Kulich) hired by the tyrnanical King John (Giamatti), in the broken down and crumbling Rochester Castle, which is strategically vital for John to control if he wants his own country back. So they gather a group of ragtag scum, villains, hard-arses and nutcases and take control of the castle before John gets there. Then John's army arrives and the siege commences. And my God, does that siege commence. There is commencing all over that siege.

The only real downside of this film is the way the battle scenes are filmed, the completely over-the-top shaky-cam does a pretty good job of depicting the chaos of battle, but it makes the actual fighting (the thing we came to see this movie for) pretty damn difficult to follow and not all that enjoyable. Fortunately, that effect tones down towards the end of the movie, but it makes the opening fighting sequences quite jarring. I can definately see why they did it, but they probably shouldn't have.

That's the only flaw in this film.

Oh, the story may be a little basic (No Surrender!) and the characters may be a little shallow (Are you sorry for what you've done? Bollocks!), but there's nothing about thie film that doesn't achieve what it set out to do. There's awesome violence, there's amazing bravery, there's pumping emotion and there's acting that's so over the top it entirely suits this movie. The most depressing part of it is just how little screen-time it'll get throughout the UK, and just how few people will see it.

It's the biggest independant film made in the UK in years and it's got the cast of an A-list Hollywood blockbuster. It's got the story, it's got the action, it's got EVERYTHING.

Even mother-fuckin' VLADIMIER KULICH.

Next time: Something not as MANLY.