2010

So 2010 draws to a close, I sit, still trying to figure out the randomness that was the Doctor Who Special and I am covered in small white dog hair. I should probably stop picking up the poor wee pup, but he's just so darn pick-up-able. It's been a decent Christmas, I think the moment that will mark it for me is when my mother teared up at the gift I'd arranged for her. Probably the first time I've inspired tears in a good way.

I look back over the year and I wonder if it was one well-spent. I've transitioned from second to third and final year at university, I turned 26, I was in a play again, I've done so much writing, I've considered the plans of the future and I've tried to change the way I live my life. Now, traditionally, as New Year looms, we consider what we want to change. This takes the form of resolutions for the coming year. Shall I make some?

1) Try to go back to the New Order laid down in October.
2) Try to run November's Children in Newbury once a month.
3) Try to stop trying and start doing.
4) Keep Writing, you're doing good, get Imperia published!
5) Blog more.

I figure I should start doing book reviews as well as films, or possibly instead of them, depending on how it all goes. I am trying to read more as well. Seems like I'm all change, but I'm not really, I just think it's time to do some tweaking. Hell, it's always time to do some tweaking.

Enough of this, to Narnia!

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA:
THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER.
(and Narnia in it's entirity)

It was only a matter of time after the massive awesomeness and success of Lord Of The Rings before other Fantastical Classics would be mined for their movie potential. As with most follow ons after immensely popular franchies, what follows would normally be crap. I don't think this was so with Narnia. For a start, the grounding in the reality of World War 2, with the blitz, relocation, enlisting and rationing all present, makes for an even greater sense of escapism.

The story of four kids being transported to a magical land where animals talk and mythical creatures hold sway, is a true classic, depsite its overly religeous connotations. When I first saw The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, I thought that it was one of the best films I'd ever seen. I think I've toned down that opinion since then, but it still holds a special place. It still does everything right, in my opinion. I didn't see Prince Caspian at the cinema, which annoyed me somewhat.

The problem with Narnia, I think, is that it's too much of a kid's story for all that religious suggestion. At the end of the Dawn Treader I visibly cringed when Aslan went into the part about having another name in our world, which I think is overly doctrinating for a young audiance, but I can kind of understand, if not fully appreciate.

Also, kids irritate me. Just because this is a fantasy story about dwarves, witches, talking lions and kids growing up, doesn't mean that this is a true kids story. Or it shouldn't be, anyway. Things like this are too good for them, if you ask me, they won't quite understand what it's trying to tell them, which is somethnig of a risk, if you ask me.

But my conclusions so far:
The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - Awesome
Prince Caspian - Okay
Voyage of the Dawn Treader - Very Good

The creatures are great, the narratives are simple but powerful and the acting (for a bunch of kids) is actually okay. The voice acting for all the various animals is what it's all about, of course. With Liam Neeson, Eddie Izzard, Simon Pegg, Ray Winstone, Dawn French and Rupert Everret all lending their voices at some point or another, as well as the storming performances by Tilda Swinton (she was born to be that Witch) and Jim Broadbent, as well as a moderately acceptable show from Ben Barnes.

All in all, Narnia may not be the best of franchies, with its ups and its downs, its various troubles with Disney and Andrew Adamson pulling out, but I think that the series is holding well together and it's still got four more books to go. It'll never be the rival of Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter, but I think that there's a good chance that it'll be a decent series after all. Besides, we all need a little more epic fantasy, don't we?

It was a good way to end the year.

AND SO...

What now? What for 2011? Well, I'll see how I feel. See you all next year and, well, for those that did, thanks for reading.

Humbug!!

It should come to no great surprise to those who know me to find that I'm not a great fan of Christmas, I mentioned as much last year in my New Decade post. I don't like the hype, I don't like the music, I don't like the decorations, I don't like the commercialisation of it all. As I once said in a Werewolf Cam game 'As you enter the Spirit World, you can see the Spirit of Money and the Spirit of Greed beating the shit out of the Spirit of Christmas in the background'.

I know that doesn't mean much to you, but if you're a Werewolf: The Forsaken player, then that was pretty hilarious.

Well, I liked it.

Christmas is supposed to be about family, about charity and about the spirity of generosity and companionship. To me, personally, Christmas is the only day of the year where you say 'Merry Christmas' to everyone you pass on the street. It should be the one day where you acknowledge your neighbours and your friends and all that. It should be the time of year where you find a little extra to give to charity somewhere. No, it's about money, greed, fuckin' irritating songs and X-Factor.

So a very merry Bah Humbug, Let It Snow, because that's the best thing about this time of year nowadays.

I'll stop my rant now.

In other news, DecemBEARD is progressing well, the majestic ginger monstrosity is taking over my face.

Also, I'm in Scotland with my family. I'll talk about that some other time, I feel. On with the review:

MONSTERS.

Now this is a film of which I have mixed opinions. I am definately in support of movies such as this one. I like the idea of odd, quirky, off-beat science fiction that's produced on a tight budget and actually tries to talk about things, the various issues faced by our world today. The best way to do this, when working on a tight budget, is of course to focus on character and make the most of your actors.

But perhaps not when your actors are Scoot McNairy and Whitney Able. Oh yes, you read that right. Someone chose their screen name to be 'Scoot'. 'Scoot'.

Really? Scoot?!

So Scoot is a photographer and Able is his publisher's daughter and she's in Mexico (for undisclosed reasons) and he's trying to get some photos...

Oh yeah, there are giant space ocotopi. Well, okay celaphodi. Or whatever the latin term is. They landed in Mexico and it's now going funky...

Basically it boils down to our two plucky leads scampering across what is known as the 'Infected Zone' between the States and Mexico (guess what, the US built a massive wall! Hmmm, subtle!), trying to get home. There's a fair amount of talk about the history of this 'Infected Zone' and there's a fair amount of bonding between said plucky leads as they make their journey amidst various dangers and cool visual sequences.

I'd just like to say that the visuals of this movie are what it's all about. The shots of broken military equipment in the jungle, the overgrown ships, the ruins...

Well, I love a good broken thing, so it appears very beautiful to me, although not as hauntingly powerful as The Road. Even so, it gets the job done in that regard.

The only problem is Scoot. And Able. They suck. They're very, very poor actors and it really shows. The film relies on their (apparantly) improvised performances and I think that the director (who did a massive amount of work visually for this movie) could have done a lot better than these two. They had the worst onscreen chemistry I'd seen in a while, which is odd, since they ended up getting married not long after.

The film relies on them and they are found wanting, I'm afraid. Visually, it's great. In reality, you can't rely on visuals to carry it. It's a swing and a miss.

Which is a shame, really it is. I like this kind of movie, this is the kind of movie I want to be seeing in the future, following in the red-hot footsteps of District 9. But not every unknown can be Sharlto Copely and not every visual guy with a camera can be Neil Blomkamp. Better luck next time, hope you keep on truckin' Gareth Edwards, because they won't all be as bad as this one. Will look forwards to your next film.

Next up: The Chronicles of Naria;
The Voyage of the Dawn
Treader (and Narnia in
general, I guess).

The List

Al, who does occasionally like to refer to himself in the third person, has a list. A list of seven natural enemies. Now, this list has been the source of many anecdotes and musings amongst myself and my friends, and I thought that I'd share it with the internet for now. However, the list is due for a change, I feel that the list is just a tad outdated, so therefore I shall upgrade it here, in the public forum of the world-wide-web.

The former list:
7 - Estate Agents
6 - World of Warcraft
5 - Stairs
4 - Facebook
3 - Vegetarians
2 - Sunlight
1 - Women

Now, Estate Agents are not, as most people assume, human. They are akin to a vermin species that exist on the fringes of actual humanity, feeding off the desperation to get on the housing ladder and taking a perverse pleasure in ruining people's hopes and dreams. World of Warcraft, naturally, sucks the souls from people and has contributed in destroying my second favourite Real Time Strategy series, Warcraft.

In a similiar vein, Facebook is the ENEMY OF MANKIND, absorbing people and controlling their lives. People no longer have any kind of social lives, they exist entirely through Facebook. As for Stairs, well, I'm not a fit man, so they have often stood in my way. I feel that this isn't as justified an entry as some of the others, but I'll get onto making changes in a paragraph or two, when I talk about the others.

Sunlight. I am a creature of the night, I exist in the shadows of my ever-curtained room, I live by the halogen glow of bulbs, I am cloaked in the blackest of clothes and coats. The Day-Star is my nemesis. And as for vegetarians... let me simply say that is the Good Lord didn't want us to eat animals... he wouldn't have made them so very, very tasty... mmmmm... steak... Sorry, getting carried away there, aren't I?

So, the new list.

Estate Agents haven't crossed my path for a good year and a half, so I'm not sure if I'll keep them on the list. Stairs... well, I defeat them on a regular basis, I'm not sure they're worthy anymore, so perhaps they should go?

Pretty sure that vegetarians and sunlight are fixed entries, but they may slide down the list a little. What about the electronic ones, eh? WoW and Facebook? Well, I do frickin' dislike them, but they rarely affect me...

My new list, then:
7 - MMORPG's
6 - Facebook
5 - Sweden
4 - Vegetarians
3 - Sunlight
2 - Orci + Kurtzman
1 - Women

If I amalgamate WoW into MMO's, then I get to neatly cover The Old Republic, Warhammer Online and a host of others that ruin my favourite sci-fi/fantasy worlds in the form of MMO's (the worst way to represent a world). The Swede's have wronged me, that's pretty clear, the rest slip down a bit... Orci + Kurtzman are the villians who ruined Star Trek and the Transformers movies, I can't quite believe they haven't been up there before. And as for Women... well, that's a whole different blog post, eh?!

UNSTOPPABLE.

Well, spurned on by a mild tirade launched by our head of course the other day, I decided that I really wanted to see Unstoppable. It's supposed to be 'Speed 4'. Was there a Speed 3? I can't remember, so never mind. Mike was basically saying that as one of the most influential black actors in Hollywood, Mr. Denzel Washington has a responsibility to work with, say, up and coming black directors to further the cause of black film-making, as oppose to making the same old action film with Tony Scott.

But I love me some Tony Scott and I love me some Denzel Washington, so there's no way I'm avoiding that film (although I saw it a month after I thought I was going to, grumble grumble Coates...) just because 'it's the same old action film'. Yes, Denzel's done a good five movies with Tony now, but since most of them were pretty enjoyable and pretty damn tense, there's no reason to think that this one will be an exception. And you know what, it really, really wasn't. Even with Chris Pine in it.

Unstoppable is the story of a 'coaster' that got away from all the efforts to get it under control, a train that was left to operate under power and then went runaway, threatening to level most of southern Pennsylvania.

Only a mismatched train driver veteran and his newbie partner (Washington and Pine) stand a chance of being able to do something about it and they embark on an utterly daring plan that... well, no spoilers from me, eh?

Basically, this film sets out to be a disaster/action movie with a fast pace, likeable characters, solid plot and a massive sense of tension. There are some fictional discrepancies (why does the media have a handy photo and name tag of everyone who works for the train company?) and you can tell that the actual event, the CSX 8888 Incident in 2001, has been tributed but also exaggerated, but this is the movies, exaggeration comes with the premise. So is this just the same old action film?

Yes. That's why it's good.

Next up: Monsters.

DecemBEARD

Well, with my faith fully restored in the democratic process, I set out into December with a face covered in ginger fuzz. I shall explain what I mean by that. Since last month was the month of NovemBEARD, I decided that perhaps I should make a go of this facial hair malarky and keep on going. So I sent out a text and a couple of MSN windows asking for my friends to vote on whether or not I should keep the monstrosity.

The results were:
In favour - 14
Against - 6
Abstain - 6

So, of the 26 people that were invited to vote, 6 didn't bother answering and the majority of the rest wish to see my face continue its covering. Not that it's a very impressive covering, a lot of guys I know could twice the beard I could in half the time, but this isn't something my face is used too, so maybe it'll pick up as I go along. Grasby also suggested that I carry on into MANuary, but I think I shall have another vote.

Might be sick of it by then.

What else I am sick of is my inability to get some sleep when I think it's a good idea and it's been an appropriate amount of time since I last got up. One day I'm gonna scribble down my sleeping and waking times in order to show people just what I'm like, and I bet they won't believe it.

So here I am at 4am sitting cross-legged in my dressing gown on my bed without any lights on, staring at this bright white screen in order to tap these pointless little words. Figure I'm running out of things to say, although I know there are things I want to talk about in my blog. Maybe.

Maybe, from next year, I'll try and talk about my life a bit more, that sounds like a resolution sort of thing. Not sure if I could pad it out to one-issue-per-blog... I probably have too many issues for that, but I could give it a go. Maybe. Then at least you'll be relieved to get to the film review.

Speaking of:

MACHETE.

Now, I am against downloading. Even through legal channels, even if I were paying for it, I'm against downloading. Mainly because it has such piratical connotations (and not the swashbuckling kind) and also because I have no idea how it works. That level of technology is alien to me. So, it should come as a surprise when I say that I watched a downloaded copy of this movie. But I shall tell you why I did this.

NOWHERE in Southampton was showing it. Not Cineworld, not Harbour Lights, not Odeon... just Tom's front room late on a friday evening. Now, that would normally disqualify this film for review in my own little rules because I wish to only review films I'd seen in the cinema but damnit, I wanted to talk about this movie because I'd been looking forwards to it for quite some time. So, downloaded copy it is.

Pretty much everything about this film is bad.

But then, that was the whole idea, wasn't it?

The characters are pretty shallow and predictable, the action is cheesy and over-the-top and the plot is twisted around and back again to the point of ridiculousness. But that was the point of this movie in the first place! Machete is a tribute to the exploitation movies of the seventies, specifically calling itself Mexploitation due to its Latin flavour and leading cast (the indomitable Danny Trejo, the fiesty Michelle Rodriguez and the undeniable Cheech Marin, hells yeah!) and it does everything in its power not to disappoint those flicks.

This is a fast moving, hugely violent, slick, sexy movie with a hell of a lot of underlaying message concerning immigration and cultural differences between the States and Mexico, with an all star cast (as well as the names above count in Jessica Alba, Jeff Fahey, Tom Savini, Steven Seagal and mo-fo'in' ROBERT DENIRO) and enough outrageous fight scenes to satisfy anyone. This is a movie that takes no prisoners and makes you laugh the whole way through, but it isn't perfect, it's cheap and nasty too.

The only real downside I had with this movie is the same one I had back with Black Dynamite and the actual Grindhouse movies of Planet Terror and Deathproof, the plots are really, really convoluted in places and they can be really difficult to follow. Black Dynamite was probably the worst for it, but this up there as well with being damn difficult to keep up with sometimes. Other than that, this is a highly enjoyable movie. Check it out and don't under any circumstances, take it seriously!!

Next one is: UNSTOPPABLE

Ze French are coming...

My good friend Justine came over from Britanny to visit yesterday. She's not actually French, but has been living there for the past couple of years and certainly speaks the lingo better than I ever could (despite my mother being fluent in French and Spanish AND being a former full-time languages teacher). It was good to see her, she's a link back to a different time back in newbury, when I was much more of a screw-up than I am now, I think.

In an odd way, she's a reminder of the real world to me. It's kind of easy for me to be locked away in my room with my radiator and my gaming books and laptop and forget about the real world, just as long as I stick to my writing quota then everything's fine as far as I'm concerned. Then I go online and talk to Justine and it reminds me that some people have to work 12 hours a day every day for very little money and it can wear you down after time.

Now, I'm not trying to comment on her life, I have a great deal of respect for her (although don't tell her I said that), since she works at what was her parent's dream, to make it happen for them, and it's helped her a great deal as well, it's just not easy and there's no real end in sight.

We all have to work, we all have to flail around with money and banks and councils and officials and people that tell you that you're wrong and you owe them and whatever... I guess in my life I've been quite fortunately sheltered from a lot of this, but I've had almost my share, I think.

So, hats off to the French girl, it's good to see her and it's good to know that she's doing okay. Now, back to being mean to her!

In other news, I got the essay back, the one that I ranted a fair deal about in a previous post. You want to know what I got?

66%. That's a 2:1.

Now, I have no idea what I did to deserve that. My essay was largely drivel stuck together with consistent sub-headings and sarcasm. I can't believe that Sara gave me the mark she did, even after she explained why to me I still can't quite get my head around it. I'll actually qoute some for you now:

"But that's just what I think, and what do I know? So, to find a collection of pretentious Frenchmen who've been dead for forty years to back up my claims, then my essay can be considered to have some academic weight."

And that got a 2:1. I mean, can you believe it? Apparently if I'd dropped all the sarcasm (which would have involved a fair amount of cutting, around 30% of the essay), then it would have been 1st territory, according to Sara. It's baffling, I know that I'm not that clever, why don't they?

Been talking about the French a lot, apparently, there's all sorts of influences they have. Half the characters in my latest novel attempt are French (that's Imperia, for those of you in the know), a fair few in Servants of God are French, by neccessity (they were there, after all).

I should reconsider learning French, perhaps.

SKYLINE.

Well, I can safely say that if I hadn't seen the Clash of the Titans remake at the start of the year, then this would have been the worst film of 2010. As it stands, it's the second worst.

Aliens invade Los Angeles. Survivors hole up in an apartment and watch some of the carnage, waiting for a chance to escape. Air wars outside. Giant monsters. Hynotic blue lights.

And it SUCKS?!

I mean, this is the kind of thing that I actually *like* movies to be about! This has all the ingredients for a movie that I would really, really like to enjoy! But somehow, this movie went from a promising opening 45 seconds to the biggest waste of 90 minutes since the Titans remake. I mean seriously, it's not hard to do this kind of thing, given all those ingredients and a half decent special effects budget then you can actually make an enjoyable movie without getting out of bed.

I mean, look at Cloverfield, look at District 9, look at Alien, all of these were shot on a shoestring and all of them were frickin' awesome movies.

This films has two main flaws and they're normally the ones I don't pick on, since I'm normally focussed on the writing side of things. They are:

ACTING and DIRECTING.

Acting. Now, don't let me say that I judge people on the quality of their name, but Eric Balfour and Donald 'Turk from Scrubs' Faison don't instantly inspire confidence when you hear that they're the title cast. I'm all for giving little players a chance, but if they're going to simply phone it in like they did in this movie, then screw 'em. Even the owls had more conviction.

Directing. The Brothers Strause need to be taken out behind a barn and shot. Repeatedly. While being filmed. Without any CGI. These guys couldn't make a decent movie if someone else did it for them. These guys are such talentless wastes of space that I'm pretty sure my pneumonia-stricken puppy could have done a better job at inserting tension and narrative into this movie.

This film drags its knuckles through overly shiny alien monsters and drools quietly in the face of cool as it speeds on by, oblivious to the fact that it sucks. Because at least the creatures are pretty, right? And the CGI? More CGI, yeah?

Mind you, this movie does have one thing going for it. When Battle: Los Angeles comes out next year (a film about aliens invading Los Angeles that's actually inspired by real events), this movie will make B:LA look AMAZING by comparison.

Next up: MACHETE

Third Draft

So I'm going into the third draft of my screenplay, Servants of God, which will hopefully change the nature of the central character, pack in some more action and improve the general quality of the material. I can but hope. It's been a while that I've been working on it and I'm not quite sick of it yet, so hopefully I won't be until the time I have to hand it in, in May.

You know, of all the essays and projects and assignments we've got for our third year, this one isn't worrying me. It probably should, since it's the biggest and most important one we've got, but I, for some reason, have faith in myself to pull it off. I have absolutely no justification for that faith, but then I suppose that's what faith is all about, eh?

I know that I'm way ahead of the pack with this script, some people still haven't decided what they're going to be writing about, but I know that I can't get too cocky, just have to keep chipping away at it and it'll all be okay. Ish. Maybe.

So in other news... actually, I'm struggling to think of any. I'm off to newbury later today, in about ten minutes I think, as soon as Idge arrives to drive me back and forth. She's a good mate to have like that, since I'm staying with her as well.

Better that than my previous place, that's for sure. Things were getting somewhat awkward there.

I'm working on getting me a copy of Rogue Trader, the third WH40K roleplay book, mainly because I think it has the most potential amongst the three games they've done for actual exploration and character development. But we'll see. Yeah, that really is it for the news, I really don't have much to discuss right now. I'll think of something for next time.

THE LEGEND OF THE GUARDIANS:
----THE OWLS OF GA'HOOLE----

Now you look at a title like that and you think, whutdafuggisat? That's the worst kind of fantasy title right there. All fantasy has to include weird sounding names for things that are normally possessed of at least one apostraphe (*cough* long live Quan'Kira'an *cough*), but putting them in the actual title? Oooh, not a good move.

So yes, this is a film that's one part Lord of the Rings, one part Star Wars, one part Lion King and seven parts CGI all mixed together with a hefty drizzle of Owls. Yes, almost all the characters are owls and they are voiced by a massive plethora of vocal talent, including Helen Mirren, Geoffry Rush, Sam Niell, David Wenham and Hugo Weaving, to name a few.

This film is nothing you haven't seen before.

All of the story elements are taken from somewhere else, all of the characters are standard fantasy archetypes and there's nothing original in this movie. That sounds a bit harsh, but we've got to remember that this is primarily a kids film, so lets look at it from that angle, since kids probably haven't seen Lord of the Rings or Star Wars (although they should definately see the Lion King) and won't for some time. So in that respect it should conjour up all the feelings that those films inspire in older audiances, in which case... okay then.

The only real problem with it being a kids film is that it's full of a sense of urgency that doesn't make sense to us oldies. They get captured RIGHT AWAY. They learn to fly RIGHT AWAY. They're chased out of the evil owl kingdom RIGHT AWAY. They make new friends RIGHT AWAY yadda yadda yadda. It gets a bit old how nobody seems to pause for breath every now and then, but again, it's a kids film (although I should make it clear that I don't like kids, in case you didn't know that already). The only really interesting part of this movie is who its director is.

Zack frickin' Snyder.

So yes, there is a ton of slow-motion, metal claw weilding, ariel owl-on-owl action and yes, it's almost as brutal as 300 and Watchmen. I mean, getting Zack to do a kids film... you might as well get Eli Roth, it's just surprising is all. But of course, because it's Snyder, the film is brilliantly choreographed and the graphics are flawless. That's not much in terms of making up for the rest, but it'll do.

After all, it's a kids film, right?

Next time: Skyline.

NovemBEARD

So it turns out that my last post was actually my one year anniversary of blogging on this particular sight and YAY, look at all the prestige and power that it has brought me. I'm still a screenwriting student, I still live in Southampton, I'm still profoundly single and I still spend most of my nights tapping away at manuscripts that'll never see the light of day.

Anyway, this is the month of November, also know as NovemBEARD, in which men, manly men that is, grow excessive amounts of facial hair and strut it proudly in a vague relation to supporting testicular cancer research. Or breast cancer research. One of them. I've never been much of a beard man. The one time I did actually grow one was when I first moved to Solent and managed to forget my razor, which my parents brought down to me seven weeks later (no point in buying a new one, I thought). It wasn't a particularly impressive beard, more of a fuzzy chin-strap really.

Why I'm actually partaking of NovemBEARD I'm not quite sure, since the quite bright ginger of my facial hair will severely clash with my dark brown hair, so I'll probably have to shave my head in order to keep the beard, but that'll probably be around the end of November, in which case I'll be stuck like that for a while. Ah well, what's the worst that can happen, I'll look like a thug again? Maybe the next time I intervene in a pair of chavs starting on people in a bus stop (must tell that story some time), they'll be scared off by my bizarre appearence.

So. Essay. (Told you I'd complain about it, didn't I)

"To exist, the body requires language." - Discuss.

I hate this essay that we've got at the moment. We've had our fair share of them over this course and normally they're a bit irritating but fine to get to grips with. Even the dreaded Ian McKay's 2nd Year legendary essay title:

"In the Secular Age, there is an increasing pressure being placed on the media industries to offer a clear view of the role of the citizen in the 21st Century." - Discuss this statement in relation to the term 'Social Capital'...

... didn't garner as much discontent from the class. (I'm writing this section on the 14th, since I kinda left it for a few days again. By this time I've actually finished the essay and handed it in, expecting my failing grade any day now).

The problem with "To exist, the body requires language" is that we then have to reference one of only five movies to discuss in relation too, then have to draw sources from critical theory. Now, critical theory is a MASSIVE waste of time at the best of times, but in support of this subject, with such a limited basis of movies to choose from, makes this task both dull and constrictive. Those movies, in case you were interested:

- 120 Days of Sodom (don't look it up)
- The Night Porter (intensly boring)
- The Servant (almost as bad again)
- Hedwig and the Angry Inch
- Bent (interesting concept, didn't see it)

The only reason I didn't add any parantheticals for Hedwig was because it was the film I chose to reference. Each movie was supposed to talk about a high concept (The Servant was about class struggle, Bent was about oppression of homosexuality and so on), but the major problem with all these films is that they were sodding BORING. This is not a good thing.

Now, call me a philistine, but if I've got to sit and listen to someone's opinion on yadda yadda subject 9 I don't normally care about, at least make the film FUN to start off with? That way, people actually pay attention. Look at District 9 for feck's sake! So yes, Hedwig was the only film present that was actually entertaining to watch in the first place.

So. Did my essay. It's full of sarcasm.

Wow, this turned into a very long post.

R etired
E xtremely
D angerous

Now we've been looking forwards to this one for a while, haven't we? There's been a slew of team-based action movies this year, what with the Losers, the A-Team, the Expendables and Predators and RED is now up there with that lot in terms of content, but a lot higher than some in terms of quality (you know who you are).

So a retired CIA hatchetman is targeted by a bunch of Agency Killers in an inside job headed by Karl Urban and they quickly find that they've bitten off far more than they can chew. Hilarity and action ensue as their primary target, Willis, bands together his old cronies in order to take down the conspiricy against them.

Well, what can I say, really? You've got a film with Bruce Willis, John Malkovitch, Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren and Brian sodding Cox taking on people a good forty years their juniour and kicking their collective backsides in well-paced, well-thought out action. The youngest good guy contributer is Mary-Louise Parker as a possibly out of place love interest, but she makes up for it by being plain sultry. Why producers must always shovel in a love interest, even when there isn't any need for one, I have no idea, but hey ho, let's get on with it.

The film is perfectly good, the action is very satisfying, the plot is just the right amount of backseat to the aforementioned action and the acting is... well, how do you think it is with those names at the top of the list? My only real problem with the plot of the movie is the 'double death' of one of the characters, since we kind of expected him to come back the second time as well, it wasn't quite serious enough second time around. After that, this is a perfectly functional movie with plenty of entertainment to be had within it.

I doubt this is going to be one of those action films that can stick it out in the long run, however, like Shoot 'em Up or Crank, which is a shame considering the cast list. It's probably one of those that'll fade in our memories after a little while, but I can live with that. It was great while it lasted.

Helen Mirren? She STILL got it.

Next up: The damned Owl movie.

Remember Remember...

I have recently discover, on the Escapist forums, a thread entitled 'It's November 5th, what are you going to be doing?'. The list of activities then listed as options were 'Nothing' and 6 variations on 'Watching V for Vendetta'.

Now... I'm not one to mock ignorance... no... wait... yes I am.

In my reply I posted 'that's like asking people what they're going to be doing on the 4th of July, killing aliens or smoking cigars with Jeff Goldblum?'. It kind of staggers me to think that someone actually believes that Alan Moore came up with November 5th as a holiday in order to write a graphic novel about it, which then became a much poorer movie. Still, it's been a while since I was on a forum site, it might help to infantalise my mind, or at least give me a non-porn based reason to spend hours on the internet at a time. Go me.

On the other front, November 5th is the birthday of one of our most treasured classmates, WILL SALE, founding member of the Knights... of CLUNGE, and general all-round legend. It was a good night, with much things being burned (it being Bonfire night after all), many things being liberated from nearby gardens in order to be burned, much shot-ing that Will managed a great deal better than his predecessors and a plethora of gifts. Will's one of these people that it's just great to help him celebrate, and we were at it for hours. Many of them.

Will is now the proud owner of his very own Knights... of CLUNGE tshirt, which'll make the rounds so that everyone in that most august of organisations can have one, then we can go to parties together and be mocked for it. Good times.

In other news, my phone is well and truly screwed (it now only works half the time), the plug for my bath is completely clogged and will no longer drain water and it feels like we're up to our ears in assessments. Que essay whinging for next post.

Good times. Oh yeah.

LET ME IN.

So, a good while back me and Ad tried to watch Let The Right One In, a Swedish Vampire movie that apparently had true vampire fans sharpening their pointy teeth and squealing in girlish delight since none of their creatures of the night sparkled. Truth be told, we got 40 minutes into it and turned it off. It was very, very slow and very, very unstimulating. We decided that we'd have to give it another go at some point, but we were just too tired to put the effort into that film at the time. Also, we'd just watched Flame and Citreon, a Danish film about WW2 Resistance Fighters, which was much more up-paced and frantic. If you haven't heard of/seen that movie, you HAVE TO check it out.

Then Coates invites me to come see Let Me In with him on an advanced viewing. We get the train, we go to Crawley, we see this absolutely MASSIVE Cineworld, we get in, we sit down, film begins.

Now, I haven't seen all of Let The Right One In, but the first half an hour might as well have been a shot-for-shot remake, with the exception of the prologue sequence in the ambulance.

This gave me a much better sense of the original film, since this one was pretty much exactly the same, even down to the visual style, as far as I could tell. Now, nothing can stop America trying to remake foriegn language films, especially popular foriegn language films, but it's always seemed like such a waste of time to me. This kind of film is probably one of the worst culprits in that regard, since it's a near-enough carbon copy of Let The Right One In. But at the same time, it's actually quite a good movie. It's tense, it's dark, it's well shot, it's well acted, there's a lot of little details that really bring it to life... which almost in a way makes it worse.

You can be okay with Quarrantine being a crap remake of [rec], but this actually threatens the original film in a way that wasn't really expected. I'd say you could see either one and be satisfied, but that feels a bit unfair to the hard-working Swedish crew who put a lot of blood (heh, pun), sweat and tears into their film, only to have it remade near as damnit, by a bunch of yanks. But decent work is decent work, and I can't blame the Americans under Matt Reeves for doing a good job, as much as I think they should be blamed for it. It's a confusing world, eh? I'm sure I'll go back and watch all of the Swedish movie one day, but the American one is just as good and half an hour shorter.

Next up: RED.

All Hallow's Eve...

I've never liked Hallowe'en. It's got a stupid name, a stupid non-history and an even stupider gimmick. But hey, people like it and it's all... I dunno... fancy-dress-y? Personally I've never gotten on with the majority of publicly celebrated annual occasions, with the exceptions of Bonfire Night and New Years. Those two I have an appreciation for, but not the rest, especially not Hallowe'en.

This year was nightmareish. After just having finished the agonisingly long run of My Fair Lady all week at the Corn Exchange, we had 'Hallowe'en Hullabaloo' in the Newbury Marketplace just outside, which featured live (not very good) music, a wandering magician, face painting, puppet making, tomfoolery, child vomitting and eighty thousand requests for pretentious coffee.

And kids. Lots of kids.

I hate kids. With a burning passion. There are few things I detest more than having to deal with lots and lots of children, but one of them is having to deal with their parents. Eugh.

But anyway, the real funtimes of this trip down to newbury was friday/saturday. A big shout out to my belov'd friend Idge, who turned the youthful and bounding age of 34 this week and we then had party times on friday night. Now, I was working friday night from 5 until 9:30 (which then turns into 10). I get across to the Canal Bar just after I've finished and join in the revelries, with (really good) live music, lots and lots of people I know and general good times. We get turfed out of the Canal Bar around midnight, as they wish to shut, and it's left to me and Kerry to make sure that Adam (Idge's fella, who had been drinking since about 5) got from the Canal Bar to the Snooty Fox, about 2 minutes walk away. This in itself was a nigh-on Herculean task, as was the ongoing process of keeping an eye on him until half 2, but all that was eclipsed by the neccessity to get him back home at that time, for which we owe eternal thanks to Jen (whom I'm ashamed to say I was not to kind too back in our college days).

So after navigating Adam home and making sure he'd passed out in the living room, I walked Jen back to the pub, found that it had just closed up, walked her back home and then set about going out to find Wiggy, my distant cousin and Rios' colleague. Found him at about 5:00 in the morning, managed to convince him to come back to Jen's, where he slept on the sofa. I then trapsed back to Emma's, where I was staying, to partake in a particularly satisfying hour and a half's sleep. I then staggered down to Rios, in order to open up the place for 10am and cover Wiggy's shift for him, since he was in no state to do it himself! I was supposed to be working at the Corn Exchange at 7pm and to my amazement, Wiggy was there at 5 to take over. I headed over to work early in order to chill out and have a drink before I started, only to be pressed into service at 5:30 and made to go and be useful. I finished at 11:30, then proceeded back to Rios to make sure that Wiggy was okay shutting the shop. Apparently, I'm *really* helpful.

That day lasted a good 39 hours.

Man, this has been a long post.

THE SOCIAL NETWORK.

First off, I just wanna say that this is one of the top three movies of the year (the other two being Inception and Four Lions). There is no competition for this movie in terms of sheer nerd-cool, script quality or acting performances. I mean, this is two hours of nerds complaining about money and facebook... and it's AMAZING.

I think this is down to the Four Principal Genius Men of this movie. Without these four guys, this film wouldn't have been good, or even in existence, really. I'm pretty sure that producers only went for this movie because they saw the potential for these four names to be attached to this movie. They are:

1) Aaron Sorkin (Writer, also the creator of the West Wing)
2) David Fincher (Director, also did Seven and Fight Club)
3) Jesse Eisenberg (Actor, from Rodger Dodger, oh yes!)
4) Trent Reznor (Composter, frontman of Nine Inch Nails)

That's four pretty hefty names going in there, all of them seriously pull their weight for this movie, there's nothing about any of their work that I can criticise. Jesse Eisenberg is a serious rising star with a lot of potential, he's everything that Michael Cera will never be (talented, likeable, in possession of a broken voice) and he's got one hell of a career ahead of him. Fincher is an uncompromising director whose quick and ruthless visual style gives us everything we need and a hundred extra little details if you want to catch them. Reznor's just great. His inclusion of Hall of the Mountian King was inspired.

But of course, I'm a writer, so I look to the writer the most. Sorkin is one of the best working at the moment, the West Wing is still his masterpiece creation, but this is up there with it. The script for this movie is so snappy, packed and glib that it's hard to believe just how much of it he managed to pack in there. It's very fast paced, skipping over whole swathes of time in the blink of an eye in some places, but at precise, almost surgical intervals. This is one of the best scripts I've ever seen, proof that you can write a great film about any subject, no matter how trivial and irrelevant it might appear to be.

On a casting note (apart from Eisenberg), it was sheer inspired. Armie Hammer carries off the best supporting character(s) award for playing the Winklevoss twins, Garfield shows promise for Spiderman and would you believe it Justin Timberlake is actually good at this acting lark.

To sum up this movie (going back to my old method of not talking about movies I actually like), at the last scene, where Zuckerberg is sitting and refreshing his webpage, I could quite happily sit there and watch that for another half hour. I wanted more of this movie. Enough said.

Next post: Let Me In.

Music and Travelling

So October's been something of an odd and strangely active/eventful month. Not in any serious way (the bad sense of the word 'eventful'), but it's just that I've had a great deal of places to go and things to do and people to meet up with. Odd how it sometimes seems to all get packed into one month.

I've been in (and am currently in) Newbury twice this month, once for four or so days at the second weekend and now for six days on this, the final week (and fifth weekend). I also took a quick trip up to Bath on the third weekend to see my brother's new BUST production of The Importance Of Being Ernest.

On the whole, that's one of the more satisfying shows I've seen him perform in as part of BUST, mainly because I know that he's such a huge fan of Wilde and the play in itself, so his passion for it shows through quite well. However, this is the first play I've seen of his where I'd say that he wasn't the best performance. Not to say that he didn't give a good show, but I think that Katie, one of his co-stars, who has been in plenty of good shows, stole the show out from under everyone's feet as Lady Bracknell. Good show all around, I say, I do love that play.

Tragically I missed seeing my parents the following weekend, owing to being in Plymouth, but they missed the play, so it all works out in my mind. Sort of. I was in Plymouth to see my friend Dave, whom I've known for 10 years now. It was his engagement party to his long-term girlfriend Sara. It was a quiet evening, but worth the trip and good to see them. Odd to think of Dave preparing to get married, but I suppose that the rest of the world isn't as phobic about these things as I am! Mind you, they implied that it'd probably be a while until it happens.

On the Music front, it's been a busy one as well. Anthony invited me to go and see Plan B with him, at the beginning of the month and it was a blast, which was a bit of surprise to me, since I was kinda thinking it'd just be chavs and tossers going to this show. It was, however, really good, a lot of passion up on the stage, which is what it's all about.

Plan B, however, was eclipsed by the other concert we went to this month, which was of course the GASLIGHT ANTHEM. Twice in one year, oh hells yeah! This time they came here, to Southampton and we got to meet and talk to the band after the show, in an absolutely freezing street with a bunch of fellow concert goers we didn't know after we started queueing at 4:30 that afternoon.

Well, that's about it...

METROPOLIS
(The longest cut)

Wow. Metropolis. I mean wow.

This film is the very reason that science fiction can truly exist, you know. Well, science fiction in film and television. It'll always have a place in novels and short stories, but this film... this film is *it*.

It's the story of a massive super-city, with the well-dressed and decedant elite on top and the grime-smudged workers below, toiling to built the New Tower of Babel and keep the Heart Machine of the city powered.

There's no story more classic than this, in fact you've probably seen Metropolis a dozen times without actually realising it, there is simply so much inspiration in it that legions of writers have set forth brimming with ideas from just watching this movie, of which I am one. It's not without it's detractors, however, H.G. Wells himself was not a fan, stating that it was a poor film and guilty of 'foolishness, cliche, platitude and muddlement about mechanical progress and progress in general'. Harsh words, considering who they were coming from.

But he's utterly, utterly wrong in that statement, I feel. This is a film about the darker side of society being redeemed by it's lighter virtues. The characters aren't so much three dimensional personalities, they're archetypes upon which three dimensional characters are built upon. Rotwang may be hammy and cheesy as a villian, but we wouldn't have the Mad Scientist without him, the Thin Man may be a charicature, but he's the original Sinister Henchman. It's a visually rich, highly detailed and immensely important film, in my humble opinion.

Since the discovery of an almost complete reel of the movie in an Argentian museum back in 2001, the film hasn't been this long since 1927, when Lang's original cut was screened a handful of times in Berlin (once to Joseph Goebbels, who frickin' LOVED IT). After that, the film was trounced, cut apart, mutilated and re-edited into various forms to suit the many propoganda needs that it found itself in. There are still scenes missing, but there's now so much that's been added back to it, it brought tears to my eyes to see it in almost all of it's glory.

It's 83 years old, it's 150-odd minutes long, it's completely silent and it's the source of so many cliches.

But sitting through it is a privilige, if only for the stunningly gorgeous cinematography and vast scope.

It's films like this that remind me why I like films. I was lucky enough to be stewarding for this movie at my place of work (The Newbury Corn Exchange) and I volunteered for this job without the slightest moment's hesitation. It's beauty as a piece of cinema has not diminished, nor has its message.

Next up: The Social Network
(A film actually from 2010!)

10/10/10

So today is 10/10/10 and I was up at 10:10:10 in order to mark this historic occasion. Then I promptly went back to bed and woke up a good hour later in order to stumble on down to the Corn Exchange and begin stewarding. The review of the film that I stewarded will be up after this one, and it's a cracker, so I won't spoil it by talking about it any further.

I've just spent an... interesting... weekend in Newbury. The town can be both awesome and disappointing at the same time. Some things never change and I'm glad about that, but some things really do need to and don't seem to.

Mostly, it's me that probably needs to change. I had an experiance back in newbury this time around that I won't go too much into but relates to my inability to have relationships with women and my own issues with them all.

Ech.

Someone more intelligent than me once said that you should never sleep with someone who has more issues than you do. Man, do I have *issues*, so I would dislike to meet the person that has more and actually fancies me. Then I realised that I already knew that person and it all goes downhill from there. I don't want to sound mean, nasty or bitchy, but I ain't going there.

It's for the best if I never even think about having a girlfriend ever again, since it would save a lot of time and bollocks, but it turns out that you can't quite control your hormones as well as you'd like to think you do.

Man, I sound whiny.

To counter that:

BACK TO THE
--FUTURE--

Back to the Future. Back to the Mother-F*^&ing Future. The day I went to see this movie was the 25th Anniversary of its original release,which means that I was 1 year old when it came out. That makes me feel old, even though I'm only 26. Only. Try saying that to yourself in a class full of teenagers.

Off point there, I'll admit. Now, Back to the Future is the story of Marty McFly, friends with a mad scientist for undisclosed reasons, who then goes back in time by 30 years (from 1985 to 1955) and manages to completely disrupt everything he's ever known or will know. Then he has to go fix it.

I'm sure you know the story of Back to the Future, if you don't then why the hell are you reading my blog? Get out! But for those of you who are well aware of why this film is so unbelievably brilliant, then let me tell you that seeing it on the big screen for the 25th Anniversary was one of the best experiences I've had in a very, very long time. Man, was this movie brilliant. The music is still great, the characters are still great, the effects still hold up. Man, I love this movie, it’s just so damn good!

The thing is, I didn't really appreciate it when I was younger, I just thought it was kinda cool, I didn't stop to actually consider just how well put together the whole thing is. I mean, every single plot point is talked about in the first 8 minutes of the film and it never deviates or throws any curveballs at you, the action is still tense after 25 years, the story is still astounding and not a single scene or line of dialogue is wasted, not a single word is unnecessary. Sheer Genius.

So yeah, this movie was still brilliant but you don’t need me to tell you that. Break open your DVD box and give it another watch, you know you want too.

Next up: The ONLY film that can top this.

Two Weeks In

If you are ever told to watch 'The Night Porter' for class or for work or just by a friend... don't. Save yourself the trouble and look up a film called 'Good' instead. The Night Porter is something that we've had to look at due to it's supposed sado-masochist themes and it's questioning nature of guilt and innocence. But it's just so damn BORING. I don't know how you could make a film about a Concentration Camp survivor and former Nazi SS Officer meeting after 12 years and hating each other dull... but they managed it. Lilina Cavani, that is, and her team. Gods, it was just so long... so slow...

Onto better things, I'm now two weeks into my third year at uni and as Mike has said, it'll be over soon enough. That means worrying about jobs and homes and all that crap, but I'm sure I'll get there soon enough. I should probably mention that I've run out of Stargate to watch by now, I can't make it last that long. I'm now contemplating whether or not I should buy season 5 of Lost, season 7 of The Shield or season 1 of House (since my previous copy of season 1 got vanished somewhere and I feel I should get 1 again before I get 6). I'm allowing myself to buy one season box-set per month at the end of each month.

I feel obligated to buy The Shield since I love it so and still don't own season 7, I know too that I should finish Lost and get 5 and 6... but it's Lost... it started so good and it got so poor... so what October's choice will be is yet to be seen. It might be none of those.

I'm gonna be in Newbury as of tomorrow (or this afternoon, really), for a couple of days. Going back to work for just a bit more than the weekend, then back in time for class, where myself, Coates and Ad will have to get the rest of the class up on The Night Porter. Joyous times.

Shoot me now, please.

In other news I've found it harder and harder to actually come up with stuff to write in my blogposts, I tend to leave them for days on end, just sitting there in front of me. This one's a bit different, am simply going at it with sleep-dep in my eyes, wondering if I'm gonna get my writing done for the day or if I'm gonna double it up tomorrow or whatever. Probably going to do that, I feel that I need some serious sleep. But then, that's nothing new with me, is it.

CYRUS.

Okay, so this wasn't the film I was really expecting. This is gonna be a very short review, because I still don't really know what to say about this movie. 'Offbeat' doesn't even begin to cover it, it's just so... peculiar.

I've never been a fan of Jonah Hill or John C. Rielly, but they were both fine. They both pale in comparison to Marisa Tomei, who carries the film with grace and beauty. The Duplass Brothers (writers and directors) sure know how to pick 'em.

This movie has heart, but you have to work at it to get at it, if you know what I mean. If you're not willing to actually think about it as an audiance member, you're not going to get anything out of it, which'd be quite easy to do.

The one thing that does quite suprise me about this movie is that it was Executive Produced by Ridley and Tony Scott. The Scott Brothers?! The frickin' SCOTT BROTHERS!?! That was unexpected, it didn't seem like their kind of film, to be honest.

Next time: Guess.

Proper Third Year

It has begun!

Yep, first week back at university, acting all responsible, worrying about final scripts, sniding at first years... ah yes... this is the life. Truth be told it's pretty much the same as the last two years, although this is an intense Mike year, much like the first year, whereas we barely saw him in the second. This year all our classes are Mike and Sara. Which is good. No Marc though, so bad. Can't have everything, I guess.

Still, what with the Anatomy of Disgust in one class and Charlie Chaplin in another, the main thing we have to worry about is our Final Script module, which is pretty much the culmination of our entire university experiance, as Mike keeps telling us. 120 pages of script will be handed in. As I've said, I've already completed my first draft of this during the holidays and am now starting on the second. Only just starting.

Things that 'Servant's of God' needs:
- At least one female character
- Less walking
- More fighting
- Possibly a shorter title
- More priestly-politics

At least, that's what it seems to be to me. I'll try and see how that goes, but it may or may not make a difference. It could still be slow and dry.

In other news my new regime is slacking badly, I've been all downcast and constantly tired because of it and I've been trying to convince myself to scale back on it. I think one of the problems I've had is that I tried to do a bit too much too fast, so I've scaled back my requirements for the next month by a little, see if I feel any better about it.

THE TOWN.

Now I'm always apprehensive whenever I see the name 'Affleck' on the poster for a movie that isn't directly preceeded by 'Casey'. As far as I'm concerned, Casey got all the acting talent in that family, but it does appear that his older brother does have a thing for being on the other side of the camera.

Now, I haven't seen Gone Baby Gone, but it's on my list and it's recieved brilliant reviews from all the people I know that have seen it. This film, The Town, is Ben's second outing as director and he chose to star in it as well, which isn't always a great choice, but seems to have worked out well enough here.

Basically, the story is of a group of dedicated Bank Robbers that commit one crime too many. They're the best at what they do in their little area of Boston, Charlestown, which is built up at the beginning of the movie to be a difficult area big on crime and character. The main problem of the film is right there, in that goal. The movie wants to put forwards that The Town itself is one of the characters in this story, but it doesn't quite pull it off. The town is left in the background, without any real attempt to connect with it. A few establishing shots, a few seconds lingering on people standing on street corners would have done the trick, but these were not included. Shame.

As for the story, it's split into two. There's the romance angle between Affleck's bank robber and Rebecca Hall's bank manager, who are involved from the start... then there's the violence angle for the entire group of Bank Robbers and their underworld connections and FBI rivals. Now, both of these stories are good stories, they're well done, not too complicated and they get across the emotions of the piece... but having one story is better than having two and this film didn't quite seamlessly fit the two together. This is two stories where it should be one. I don't blame them for trying, however, I honestly don't know which scenes or sequences I'd cut out if I were it's editor.

In terms of cast, Affleck and Hall are both fine, I don't think they stand out too much, but they do what they set out to do. The supporting cast are a different kettle of fish, they're pretty damn brilliant. Chris Cooper as Affleck's bitter father, John Hamm's obsessed FBI agent, even Blake Lively puts in a good show as the junkie Krista (shows hope for Green Lantern). However, the jewels in the crown are of course Pete Postlethwaite's 'The Florist' and Jeremy Renner's Jimmy. These two guys are why you go to see this film, no two ways about it.

So yeah, I did like this movie, but I don't think it quite achieved it's own goals, quite lived up to it's own expectations. It does mean that I'll be watching for Affleck's next film, to see if he's learned. Because if he has, he's looking to be an AWEsome director in the future. And that scares me.

Next time: CYRUS.

Sleepless in Southampton

So I'm informed that one of the most important things to bear in mind when doing this whole exercise/eating healthily/new order stuff is routine. Routine is apparently the best thing to help reshape ourselves. I really wish I'd been told that when I started, as oppose to now, nearly four weeks on. That would have meant that I hadn't just wasted four weeks.

See, my problem is that for the past decade I've had bizarre and irregular sleeping times. I have no discernable sleeping pattern, I seem to sleep as and when is needed, I cannot train myself to go to sleep at a certain time (it always, 100% of the time backfires) and almost two or three times a week I regularly stay awake for 30 odd hours at a time.

This is, quite frankly, beyond my control. Ever since I was 16 I have been afflicted thus and I have no idea why, I'm just used to it by now. But apparently 'dieting' requires that I don't do this. Well... tough shit. I can't not do this.

As for the actual process of this exercise/eating healthily/new order yadda yadda... I think it's made me more miserable than I've been in years. Everyone gets depressed when dieting, but DAMN have I been down since this whole crap started.

So should I continue? Should I go on? I told myself that I'd try to do this for six months, but so far I've screwed up at 26 days. Is it worth it? Having had a lot of time to think about it (especially on my walking excursions), I can't actually think of a real reason with which to justify all this behaviour. The problem with thinking like that is that I'm essentially trying to will myself to fail, but I have no idea what I should do. Maybe with Uni starting again on monday my mood will pick up, maybe I'll get more into it having people around most of the time (since it's been lonesome throughout September).

But then more people means more parties, more junk food, more going out and having a good time, which is what I'm reliably informed is what university is all about (after all the work is done, of course) and God Damn It, it's my final year. Should I not be social for the sake of being a bit thinner? I should also mention that even though it's only been 26 days, I don't feel even the slightest bit different for all this effort. Gah, part of me really wants to carry on, part of me wants to pack it in and they're pretty stalemate at the moment. I suppose this is what most people feel when putting themselves through this.

Gah. More Gah.

RESIDENT EVIL:
AFTERLIFE.

I'd like to make one thing clear, I liked the first 3 Resident Evil films. They're a hell of a lot better than the games (in my humble opinion), they're stupid in an entertaining way, they're fun and they have Saint Milla in them. I wouldn't say in any way that they are good films, but I liked them, they're just goofy enough to be entertaining.

This one? This one was shit.

I shouldn't be all that suprised, it wasn't a great franchise to start off with and I can't blame them for messing up every now and again, but I was just hoping that the level of mildly entertaining cheese could have been maintained. Now I know they're going for a 5th movie but quite frankly I'm not sure I'd be bothered to go and see it after this.

It's kinda pretty and there's plent of zombies and zombie dogs and there's that huge 'gatekeeper' creature that might as well have just been Pyramid Head after a small costume change (and don't get me started on how he was trying to batter down the prison gate, it was POOR)... but all in all there simply wasn't the entertainment value of the others.

Why, you ask?

Frickin' Wesker.

Now, he's supposed to be the main villian of the piece, of the whole series, in fact... so why is it that they felt the need to make him SO villianous that he might as well have been twirling his thin moustache and stroking a white cat. This guy was so hammily portrayed, so shockingly written that he should have been wearing a shirt that read 'CLICHE' on the front. He personally dragged the film down a hundred notches, although the main Umbrella plot for this movie was shockingly dire as well. Umbrella has never been a plausible bad guy, in fact every film they seem to get more and more over the top ridiculous in how pantomime evil they can get, but this one takes the biscuit.

They're rescuing survivors of the zombie apocalypse... so they can do frickin' experiments on them?!!?! Come on, guys!! The world has ended in front of you and you're STILL trying to take what's sodding left?!?! Considering that 98% of surviving humans after the T-Virus outbreak must actually be Umbrella employees and they all seem to wear black face masks, why the hell should they even bother? Eh, it's all just lame plotting. In the past, Umbrella's panto evil was much smaller scale, in limited areas and such. Made more sense (although not all that much). The plot is rife with overly convenient devices and predictable dullness. It's just poor, we all know that by now.

One thing that depressed me that little extra was Chris Redfield. He starts in a jail cell. He knows how to get out of the prison they're in. He's played by Wentworth Miller (of Prison Break). I'm not sure to feel sorry for him for the insulting typecasting, or not too because he knew what he was getting into.

Anyway, I liked the series up until now, with the 2nd one probably being my favourite. This is a terrible film and I recommend avoiding it. Also, the 3D is rubbish. But then if you're a regular reader then you knew I was going to say that, didn't you. Shame on you, Milla, shame on you.

Next time: THE TOWN.

Weekly My Posterier

So I think I mentioned something about doing this thing weekly a while back. That can sod off! So here I am, at half four in the morning, sitting around and typing with a blocked nose and a mildly burning hatred for the rest of humanity. Not entirely sure why for this time, but it's there. It can't be denied.

Anyway, Uni's just around the corner, my brother has finally made his way back to Bath, not that it was any trouble having him with me. It was his 24th Ageing day on this sunday just gone, so I got him Season 1 of 24, because I'm annoying like that. There was much Guiness consumed on that day by people other than me, I tell you.

In other news... sod it, I don't know, the moon exploded? Actually that'd be kinda cool, might have to use that for a story somewhere down the line. Is there anything that we can mine on the moon? Like moon-ore or something? Now I'm just talking crap, but I feel like I should say something while I'm here. Even if it is crap.

Talking of crap, it was in fact Marsh that reminded me to post, in fact I think he reads this thing regularly. Which is shocking. And more shocking.

(and now for a short break)

And by short I mean several days. The time of writing is actually now the 19th, even though when this thing gets posted it'll be the 16th or something.

Not entirely sure why it's taken me this long to write a sodding blog entry, but have been very unmotivated of late. I think it's this New Order, as I said in my last post on the 1st. All this fruit and exercise and breakfast and all that crap... I don't know if it's actually working and at the same time I'm feeling a bit... well... crappy.

However, I swore I'd stick to it for six months, so come the 1st of March I am kicking back, ordering pizza and saying 'FUCK YOU' to the idea of exercise. Unless it's worked and I've lost some weight or feel better about myself or some crap like that, in which case I'll just have the one pizza, then get on with it all over again. Eugh, the thought itself is tiring.

Much like:

THE EXPENDABLES.

Seriously, Stallone? THIS is what you came up with? You had a crew of a dozen of the movie industry's most belov'd action stars, you had the backing to do virtually whatever you wanted and we get... THIS.

You may not have noted just how much scorn I poured into that last paragraph, but I assure you that it was a LOT. Man, did this movie suck. And I just don't mean 'it wasn't very good', this movie SUCKED.

There was too much story, for a start. Action meathead movies like this don't need much in the way of stories, in fact they tend to get in the way of all the fun, and this one had a particularly LAME story to start with, so we won't get into that. The main culprit for making this movie as terrible as it was, is Stallone himself, who proudly claimed the Director credit. Funny, watching the movie as I did, I'm not sure there was a Director present at any time. The shots are awful, the camera work is below sub-par and the pace and cutting of the (many) actions scenes is ridiculously poor. I mean, this guy is supposed to have been making action movies for decades, so WHY is this one so TERRIBLE!?!?

Getting roughly eight or so leading men in for the movie was a pretty poor idea as well, the whole thing feels smeared out and thin, what with the small irritating back stories for half of them, but nothing for the other half. What was Terry Crewes' story? Apart from having an awesome shotgun (which was incidently the star of this movie, that damned shotgun)? Why should we give a crap about that crazy South American Dictator (who might as well have 'Stereotype' printed on his face)? Dolph was probably the best character in the movie as a heroin addict... but we didn't see him doing any fucking heroin!! What was with Jet Li's 'I'm shorter than everyone else' bullshit?

Basically, I'm sure I could go on and on about all the tiny little things that pissed me off no end about this pitiful excuse for a movie, but the idea tires me. There are virtually no redeeming features to this film, not even Mickey Rourke, or the much over-hyped scene of Arnie, Stallone and Willis in the same room, it's all just DIRE. And more DIRE.

Avoid it, because it certainly doesn't desrve to exist. I think I may be a bit overly harsh on this movie, but it's justified to me in my own mind. Basically, I expected something more from these guys, something fun and enjoyable, if a bit dumb. All we got was dumb. This movie is pretty much a betrayal of 80's action junk movies and I can't believe they're making more.

No justice.

Next up: Resident Evil: Afterlife

New Order

Two pointful words, really, they don't mean much but I think we'd all like them too when we say them. I'm in reference to how today, September 1st, I'm going to try and drastically shake up my life. Well, no I'm not really, I'm gonna shift it around a little. Basically, as of today, I'm attempting to do things differently when it comes to my layabout lifestyle.

I, for the first time in years, ate breakfast today. I'm told that it's important, so I did. Cereal, yoghurt, fruit. I have bought in 'healthy' food, far healthier than my normal fare. I have already done this thing known as 'excercise' (walked about three miles, attempting to go quickly) and I'm gonna cut down on what I eat for my dinner (normally my only meal of the day).

New Order is also the name of Season 8 Episodes 1 and 2 of Stargate SG1 (not that you needed to know that, but I just thought I'd say it anyway).

So, the plan (for September at least):
- Healty breakfast everyday (cereal, yoghurt, fruit).
- A few mile walk every three days (will increase).
- Bowl of cereal just before bed.
- 1 Chapter of my new book per day (I don't read enough).
- New writing projects.

At least, that's the plan. I guess we'll see how long it lasts. I'm not weighing myself or anything, I'm just doing this to fit some of my tshirts better.

So...

SCOTT PILGRIM
-----VS.-----
--THE WORLD--

This was a pretty highly anticipated movie, I know that for Coates this replaced Kick-Ass as THE movie coming out. Based on a highly acclaimed group of graphic novels and boasting a mind-blowing array of effects, big soundtrack and top director Edgar Wright, this should be a sure hit.

Problem was, I don't think it is.

Don't get me wrong, it's a very enjoyable film, there's a great deal of quirkyness, random oddness, well crafted humour and interesting characters, so it isn't a waste of anyone's time... but there was somthing about it that still didn't quite click with me, beyond my obvious peeve.

That peeve is of course Michael Cera.

Now, I'm not entirely sure how it is Michael Cera still gets work since Jesse Eisenberg is the same age group, the same catchment audiance bracket, the same build even, yet a great deal more talented with a voice that sounds like it's actually broken. Now, it's not that I really have anything against Cera it's just... he bugs me. He's in offbeat comedies that often aren't that funny (this movie probably being one of them) and he has that very particular look to him that's just so... wanna punch him... in the face... with a hammer...

Other than him? Great cast, very happy with them. Brandon Routh actually looks like he's trying to make up for his God awful Superman, Mary Elizabeth Winstead is still good, Chris Evans proving that he's a decent bet for his upcoming Captain America role, it's all good. But there's a great deal of stuff, characters, events, gags, hell everything, to cram into this movie so it all feels quite schizophrenic or overly fast paced. All in all, there's something about it that doesn't quite fit right and I don't want to blame any particular part of it.

See, I didn't get on with it.

Pretty much all the video game refernces and jibes are aimed at games from the late 80's/early 90's (of which I am a generational member), but all the humour was designed to appeal to people younger than us (...'Oh man, I said lesbians'). That's to say it can be pretty dumb sometimes.

And the happy-clappy ending where everyone comes to terms with themselves and they unite to fight the bad guy, well... a little too stereotypical I thought. Guess I was expecting something else, but that's a minor complaint. Perhaps it was a little too much closure-tastic for my tastes.

So, I feel I haven't really said much about this movie, least of all whether I got on with it or not. Thing is that I did and I didn't. It was a bit of a confusing one with good moments and bad, with a great mix of potential and wasted potential. I would recommend it, but I feel that it appeals to people who are 18-22 and that's about it, which is something of a limitation I don't think movies should have to put up with. There's a great deal of depth to this movie, but at the same time... basically, Scott is a fundamentally unlikeable character trying to become likeable. He's a dweeb, he's a nerd, he's a tosser, he's just no fun. Yet we kinda grow to like him and if we don't... well... film doesn't really rely on that, no matter how much his name is in the title. Basically, this movie isn't about Scott Pilgrim, which is for the best, because he's rubbish. This film right here is about Mary Elizabeth Winstead. Just... because.

Let's face it, she's hot.

Next time: The Expendables.

Making Up The Numbers

So yes, this blog post is pretty much just to make up them numbers, the ones I spoke about at the beginning of the month. At the moment I'm sitting around at home, with my brother sort-of living with me and sort-of not. All I'm really doing is tapping away at various writing projects and watching copius amounts of Stargate (I'm on about 8 episodes per day, which is just over 7 solid hours). Let the fun times roll.

The main thing that should actually be concerning me is hunting for a second housemate. My flat has 3 bedrooms and I only live in 1 of them, so I rent out the other 2 to make enough cash to cover the bills and all that. At the moment, the legend himself, Mr. Anthony Burtenshaw, will be living in one of them, while I'm looking for someone to fill the third. I was hoping to have someone by Sept. 1st, but that might not be an option at the moment. Might have to be closer to term time.

I only rent to students while I am one myself, since it keeps all the issues of Council Tax being not my problem. As of the year after... well, not sure where I'm even living, so I'll figure it out when I get there.

Other than that, nothing much to say, so I shall get on with talking about a movie I never thought I'd see. Actually I didn't think I'd see any films in August, but in the last five days I've seen the required three.

So...

PIRANHA (3D).

Yep. I know what you're thinking. Al, you're a pretend professional reviewer with decent artistic tastes, what are you doing talking about a gimmicky B-movie? Well, I'll tell you, person who doesn't exist, I liked it.

Now, I DESPISE 3D as the massive attempt at getting people back into cinema gimmick that it truly is, I dislike how I now have to strain my eyes to watch films that would have been just as good otherwise and I don't like the glasses.

And as for B-movies? Well, what's wrong with B-movies? There are good ones and bad ones, the bad ones are those that try to take themselves too seriously, the good ones are the ones that are here to kick back, crack open a cold one and point at the tits and gore. Oh yes, this has tits and gore. By the bucketload (don't try and picture a bucketload of tits, I know I just did and it wasn't a very good image).

In this film, an underwater lake full of cannibalistic, prehistoric Piranha are released due to a freak earthquake quickly set about eating nearby people. Oh, and just down the river is Spring Break with horny, idiotic teenagers. Now tell me that isn't a match made in some kind of sick, twisted heaven. Man, did I love me some of that! So yeah, tits, gore, Kelly Brook, carniverous mutant fish and Christopher frickin' Lloyd.

Does it get much more fun?

(Although the shot with Jerry O'Connel's schlong may have been a bit much...)

Naturally, the 3D doesn't add anything to this movie, but it doesn't detract from it in the same way that it did for Clash of the Titans, so I guess I don't mind it so much. The other main problem is that the film feels like it's only 2 Acts long, sort of bypassing the natural 3 Act structure (not the first time recenetly, either). It's not short, by any means, nor is it too long, but I felt there was more that they could have done in the time alloted to give it a more rounded feel, but they had enough tits and gore by that point, so it was all good. And since they're blatantly planning on making another one, I'm cool with it.

Watch it. It's fun.

Next up: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.